What Lies Within

Back to the Blog.

2010-05-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

It's hard to find time to write about life, but I don't want to lose any of major lessons I've been learning during this hiatus.

If I could some up the last several months in two words, those words would be OBEDIENCE and PERSEVERANCE.

But what kind of blog post would that be if I left you with just 2 words? ;-)

"Trust and Obey"

My parents would be happy to tell you that I was typically disobedient unless they gave me the reason why I should do something. Obeying for the sake of obeying just didn't seem fair to me, so I constantly pushed the limits. It took me a long time to finally trust that when God says to do something, it's not a suggestion. The longer I wait to obey, the less joy I have.

Thanks to Facebook, it's no secret that CJ and I went our separate ways last month. It was mutual, but for months God had been putting on my heart that we were not right for each other. It's hard to accept that you may not be the ONE for someone you love, and it's hard to agree that the other person clearly isn't right for you, either. I honestly believe the reason we are still friends is that we both obeyed. We didn't drag out the relationship longer than needed, we didn't tear each other down with our words... we just acknowledged our promise from the beginning of our relationship: We wanted each other to be with the best person for them, and if that isn't us, then we would honor that and move out of the way.

"Moving forward"

I ponder the lives around me and see how so many of us are in the midst of excruciatingly painful trials; unexpected death of a loved one, devastating flood waters, unforeseen unemployment, the list goes on. When I see all those I know dealing with those and more, I wonder how I might be. Would I give up? Would I shake my tiny fist at the Creator? Would i allow bitterness to infiltrate my otherwise loving heart?
I struggle with many things, but when I see how valiantly those I know and love are rising above their misery, it inspires me. It's impossible and unfair to compare the trials I face with my brothers and sisters, but I am encouraged that I too can survive and thrive regardless of what happens to me. God has given me a spirit of perseverance these past several months that I have lacked for so many years.

If it were up to me, I'd have given up 4 years ago to this month. Oh, what I would have missed! I wanted to give up then, but I had no way of knowing what things God had planned for me. I am SO glad that my ways were not His ways. I am equally glad that my ways must submit to become His ways if I am going to experience the full measure of his Joy.

Mid-August Update

2009-08-12T21:17:00.000-07:00

So, in an answer to prayer, the new job working for CSO Magazine has been wonderful! There have been some minor adjustments, such as an icy cold blast in the vent above me, the loneliness from not knowing anyone well, the commute, and the early schedule (compared to waiting up at 11am every day for the last 4 months.)

Other than that, there have been some pleasant surprises! First, the HR dept is absolutely top notch, and the employees in every department are very friendly! So many people introduced themselves to me and made an effort to say hi. The woman I'm taking over for is so amazing, and the training has gone well so far, even though it's a little overwhelming.

Healthwise, I'm happy to report my insomnia is practically gone! I got a new CPAP machine that seems to be working, and my commitment to the company fitness center has proven effective overall.

My friend Tara and I gave up sugar for the month of August. Instead of no sugar at all, though, I've chosen to have it in very small amounts, and only 2 times a week. I'm hoping to see some very real results on the scale and in my clothing. I had to go to a bigger size and it's messing with me.

I have had some great times with friends recently, and it's helped me get over the ones who aren't there anymore. This weekend should be fun as I take a mini vacation to CT to visit my friends from the cruise last summer!

If you haven't talked to me in a while, please do say hello so I know you're out there!

Many blessings!!!

2009-07-23T14:41:00.000-07:00

After 4 1/2 months of desperately searching for work, I finally start my new job on Monday, July 27! CXO media is an techonology publishing company that is part of a larger parent company, International Data Group. IDG owns 13 prominent IT magazines, so I am excited to be working for their top selling brand! I will support the Sales Team with a variety of functions, and I'll be able to enjoy a generous suite of benefits. The company is about a half hour away, so I will use the commute time to listen to audiobooks or just to be alone with my thoughts. :-)

In other news, I've been sleeping much better, thank God! I got a new CPAP machine today, so that should help me feel more rested. The results from last month's sleep study were astonishing; I never reached deep sleep nor REM in the 7 hours I was asleep, and I stopped breathing at a rate of 37 times per hour! This new and improved CPAP should take care of the breathing problem, and hoepfully, the deep and REM sleep will follow.

I am so excited to start this new chapter in my life! :-)

Sunday is the new Fun day!

2009-06-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to go to church in the morning, but my very valid excuse is I was awake until 7:45am and church was at 8:30....not sure I could swing it without passing out somewhere in the middle of the sermon...

After squeezing in a few hours, Boyfriend scooped me up and we headed to the South Shore Plaza Cheesecake Factory to meet our Cruise buddies! It was so wonderful to see them again, and the Stones are such a happy, loving couple. They complement each other's personalities so well, and we really wish they didn't live 3 hours away. They were up here for a Sox game so we were happy to reconnect and ate way too much food and ordered four sinfully delicious cheesecakes.

Next, my surrogate older brother, Craig (whom I call either Craigory or Craigles) journeyed out to the Comcast Center to experience THE FRAY! The show did not disappoint, and the pyrotechnics were incredible. I especially liked the cover of Kanye West's "Heartless'' . Only low point was that they didn't do their version of "Look After You/You are So Beautiful". When they merge it with that classic song, it's unreal. Other than that omission, I think this show ranks up there in the top 3 concerts I've ever been to!

I have a busy week ahead of me, including an interview, so I'm excited to see what's in store!

Changin' it Up

2009-06-20T22:35:00.000-07:00

So as fun as it was to be a blonde, I got some lowlights added today. It's just so expensive to keep blonde hair healthy, so my new lowlights will make it easier to match my natural hair color, but the blonde that didn't get touched will keep it looking defined and summery. A better pic will follow as soon as I get my new camera in the mail next week!

Also, I've had two amazing nights in a row with 2 different girl friends. Jen and I went to an old fashioned ice cream joint in Newton called Cabot's, and then we happened upon an Armenian restaurant that had a belly dancer! It was actually really tasteful, and there were lots of families there...surprisingly. The dancer lady managed to get us up on the dance floor, but after a few seconds we realized we couldn't really shake it like Shakira!

Then tonight, Bethi picked me and my new hair up and we had a fantab time at Chili's. We're thinking of starting our own personal shopping/wardrobe makover business, so we went over some ideas and will continue to look for way to build a client base before we start charging for our services. If you are interested, let me know!

Tomorrow should top everything off, though...first it's lunch with our the Stones, our cruise buddies, and then I'm off to see The Fray with Craig!

Food to Smile About: Edition 2

2009-06-16T14:48:00.000-07:00

While incorporating some of the ideas from The Maker's Diet, I came up with a pretty fantastic smoothie:

In The Magic Bullet or a blender:

-1 Cup Grade A Goat's Milk (Trader Joes)

- 5 frozen chopped strawberries

-1 frozen banana, chopped into chunks

-1 Tbsp raw honey (Wholefoods)

- 2 tsp. flax seeds (optional)

Variations: You can also add a Tbsp of protein powder, or some fat free Hershey's syrup for a dessert version.

The flax seeds are a great source of necessary Omega 3s, and the goat's milk is known to be safe even for those who are lactose intolerant! In order not to waste fruit that might go bad in a day or so, I chop it into chunks and freeze it for use in smoothies. It's funny, but I'm much more likely to eat a banana or some strawberries if it's mixed together in a yummy drink.

Triumph and Adversity

2009-06-16T14:33:00.001-07:00

What a month June is turning out to be...the insomnia battle is out of control, and I can't see any doctors for 3 weeks, because they are all booked! I "failed" the sleep study, aka didn't sleep long enough for them to gather enough data to adjust my breathing machine, so I have to wait about 6 weeks to get any help in that arena.

Aside from that, I am still running/walking consistently (unless I've pulled an all-nighter). I tested out my new Impact Gel inserts today, and tried one on the left foot against a Dr. Scholl's brandon the right foot. Clearly, the IGs perform as claimed, and are very thin so as not to bulk up the shoe. Caution: When ordering, be sure you know that you'll be paying around $40. They stick you with an extra $10 shipping on the "free" set, and don't give you an order preview before you pay...

In about an hour, an old friend is coming over for a visit. We haven't spoken in about 2 years, so I'm happy to see if we can move past our past and shed any old grievances. She's one of 3 people in my life who suddenly disappeared from my life, and she's also the first to reach out and ask me to start over. I take the loss of friendships very seriously, and would do nearly anything to work things out. My prayer is that the other two friends will have a simliar change of heart, because each one of these women had made an indelible impact on my life. The worst part was not even knowing for sure what they were mad about; I'd just get ignored when I tried calling, emailing, or texting.

I am grateful to God for allowing us all the change to make amends with those we have wronged, as well as graciously and sincerely accept others' apologies.

2009-06-01T23:54:00.001-07:00

A slightly different approach...

2009-06-01T23:20:00.000-07:00

Day 3 of the Maker's Diet was a very rough one. I finally fell asleep around 7am, due to severe and worsening acid reflux when I tried to sleep around 11pm. The meds I usually take for it couldn't keep up with the dragon fire coursing through my esophagus. I read that a side effect from a no carb, high protein diet can be worsening of already exisiting acid reflux, so I am going modify the diet to include some healthy, whole grain carbs.

Aside from a li'l trip to a fondue restaurant for a friends birthday, I think I'll be able to stay on track with more veggies and meat than I'm used to, especially if it will be good for me in the long run. Now all I need is some good rest...so I'm willing myself to sleep now! :-)

For those of you who have prayed for my insomnia, thank you so much! The wait is over for the sleep study, and I finally go in on Thursday night. More to come on that...

My friends have been really flexible with me given the lack of sleep and tough time I've been having lately. I really appreciate the ability to reschedule plans knowing that the person on the other end is sympathetic and is not going to hold it against me. As soon as I get things figured out, I look forward to being more social and seeing more people outside of a computer screen.

Day 2: Delicious, but exhausting

2009-05-31T13:39:00.000-07:00

I woke up in a bit of a fog today, which the author describes as "carb withdrawal." It should go away in about a week...but until then, I have to cope with strong cravings of bread every hour or so. :-)

Lunch was truly delicious...somehow, I managed to follow the recipe for coconut milk chicken soup, while improvising with a few ingredients of my own. Dinner will be after church, so I just made the spicy pesto ahead of time. When I get back from GENESIS, I'll add the pesto to my first ever piece of salmon and see what happens...

Day One: I did it!

2009-05-30T22:51:00.001-07:00

Today pretty much revolved around food. I mean, what did I expect signing up for a diet that requires one to cook three meals and one snack per day? The highlight was definitely dinner, at which I devoured a London Broil steak over spinach greens and goat cheese. However, I feel a little fuzzy from a day without sugar or bread...

Vegetables are definitely the hardest part of this. It's work for me to eat them; I only somewhat enjoy greens, which is only half of the vegetables I am scheduled to eat for the next two weeks. Has anyone else ever wondered why our bodies crave the foods that are bad for us? If I could swap out my cravings for a cupcake with that of a carrot stick, this would be a whole lot easier. Every Dunkin Donuts I passed while driving today looked like a giant glazed chocolate stick.

At the end of today, I have realized that in order for this 40 day cleanse to work, I'm going to have to focus on the end result: a happier, healthier, more spiritually and emotionally balanced me.

From Insomnia to Inspiration

2009-05-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

It's funny, really, how we often fail to appreciate what our momentary sufferings will bring us to discover. Last night was a perfect illustration of this...

For the past 2 1/2 months, I have had horrible bouts of insomnia that have lasted up to 72 hours per episode. Last weekend was a blur of sleep meds, delirium, and disbelief. How my body could be so thoroughly exhausted yet so persistently, perpetually awake is far beyond what I can reckon. From regular vigorous exercise, to homeopathic and prescription meds, I have tried everything my doctors or anyone else has suggested.

Last night was the bottom for me. As 4am approached and I had run out of sheep to count, I pondered what options were left. I could read a chapter in my Bible, which usually has a calming affect on me, but I had just gone to an intense Bible study earlier in the evening and wasn't sure how much more my delirious brain could absorb. So I did the grab-the-first-book-i-touch in the dark, figuring a good novel would put me to sleep.

I have absolutely no clue how it got on my bookshelf, nor do I know why it was the book in closest proximity. Regardless, it was arguably the most serendipitous discovery of my life. The Maker's Diet, by Jordan Rubin. I'll include several links below, from independent diet reviewers, and from the folks at TMD central who have created an amazing online community of support, ideas, and testimonials.

Tonight, CJ and I hit up Trader Joe's and Whole Foods to prepare for my 40 Day Journey to Wellness. I hope to blog faithfully about this, as I truly think I have discovered the answer to getting my health back on track. The best part is, the premise of the book is based on Scripture!

If that hasn't whetted your own appetite, check these out:

Review from WeKnowDiets.com

Review from DietBlogTalk.com

Official Website

I will continue to post more research as I come across it, but this all has sprung up in less than 22 hours...

Day 1 begins tomorrow! I have London Broil steak, and a delicious omelette on the menu. :-)

Food to smile about: Edition #1

2009-05-28T20:08:00.000-07:00

As a Weight Watchers dropout, I still look for ways to combine health food and happy food. My lastest concoction, using exisiting fridge staples, is something I'm most proud of:

English Veggie Burger

I used:

1 wheat English muffin, broken in half

2 tsp of Tzatziki spread (cucumber, yogurt, garlic)

1 pinch of fresh baby spinach or Spring mix

1 tomato basil veggie burger (I like "Morning Star" brand)

While toasting the English muffin, I defrosted the veggie burger in the microwave for about 45 seconds. Then, I place a pinch of baby spinach on the bottom slice, add the defrosted veggie burger, and microwave for another 30 seconds. Once that's done, I spread the delicious cucumber yogurt spread on the top slice and dig in!

Sarasoda

For a guilt-free soda drink, I simply take lemon-lime seltzer water (0 calories!) and put a spash of my favorite fruit juice. (Cranberry juice and lemonade are my favorites!) I cannot drink diet soda because of some of the chemicals, but regular soda is at least 140 calories! (And that's just when in comes in a can...) This recipe is very low in calories, since the splash of fruit juice probably has about 25 calories tops.

Stay tuned for future creations as I stumble upon them! :-)

Lather, rinse, repeat.

2009-05-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

So it's been almost 3 months since I got laid off from my job. My resume has been fine tuned and my cover letter is nearly perfect...I've set up electronic job agents as well as signed up with placement agencies. And still...nothing. Not even an interview! I know, I know, it's a "bad economy", but there are so many job openings that I've come across. Could there really be that many people who are competing for the positions? I know many 2 or 3 people in my vast network who are out of work...so I find it a little hard to fathom why my applications aren't making the cut...I have five years experience, excellent references, and some unique skills/abilities.

All this leaves me in a state of "limbo". I miss having a set schedule, seeing and interacting with people on a daily basis, and most importantly, to feel like Friday is different than Monday. I can stay up late, get up late, try to come up with stuff to do, and go on Facebook as if it's my only connection with the outside world. Waiting for my friends and boyfriend to get out of work gets tiring after awhile...

I know that for some reason, I don't have a job right now. Maybe I need to be focusing on something else, but I just don't know what it is. :-( Maybe there is some volunteer work I can do at my church or in the town center. That would actually be really good to find a gig a couple of days a week.

On positive note, it's been good to go running 3-4 times a week during the day, as the weather has been beautiful and I feel a sense of accomplishment.

Time for a movie, then sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Just an Ordinary Opening Post

2008-04-20T19:00:00.000-07:00

Oftentimes I walk away from a conversation wishing i hadn't just emptied my guts all over the floor. I like to think I confide in people because I want a sounding board, or because maybe they actually care. The truth is what I really need is to become a blogger. Writing has always been an outlet for me, and though my poems and formal works are few, I think that writing is a catharsis second only to prayer. Once my thought are dumped out on a page I can quantify them, weigh them, and hopefully put the more negative ones to rest.
Let the furious typing begin.....